Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
