Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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