I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
