someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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