thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
