life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I checked into jail on foursquare
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
its liver damage thursday
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
