I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
