Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
