I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
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