how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
