Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
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