some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
