Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
