His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
did i just pee glitter
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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