Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
this hospital has no fireball
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
