just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
