Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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