I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
