I met the friendliest cop last night
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
