is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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