Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
