I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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