I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
