Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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