I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
