This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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