he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
