I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
