oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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