I never want to see another naked old woman again.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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