So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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