i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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