Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
