He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
