consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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