I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
