My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
