K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
