can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
