so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
