I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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