just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize