it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
