she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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