I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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