My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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