apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
