I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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