If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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