Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My boob is missing a layer of skin
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
