life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
your room smells of hookers.
And success
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
