She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize