remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
