I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
