There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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