..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
