Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
