Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Randomize
