If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
